Señora Metring Speaks on ZTE Deal or No Deal

From: Señora Metring

This national boardband network is getting to my nerves, you know. I’m really paid up with all the scenic investigations. So much adieu about nothing.

First, owing to executive free village, CHED Chairman Romulo Neri snapped the scenic invitation. Second, came Jun Lozada who is president of Phil-forest with missing trees on his head.

Then there’s the crying boy sournamed Santos who confessed to I forgot what. There’s also Engineer Madriaga who collaborated Lozada’s confession. However, this Madriaga is allegedly a throwjan horse from Malacanang because he throws and throws information just like that.

But what gets my gloat is this attempt of kidnapping and abdication at the airport. If they can do that to Jun Lozada then they can easily do that to ordinary mortars like us.

All these things are happening because of that 200 million as bride of former Comelec Chairman Abalos to Neri.. But that is just a drop in the pocket since the 329 million dollars ZTE contract is fantastically overpriced and vulcanized, you know.

So now we have to draw the light. The evil one should step down for she has no more mural ascendancy. But we cannot afford a coup data because it is anathema to economic progress.

So if the president will not submit to a snipe election then we should cease and decease in all these nonsensical talks and let’s foot our act together.

Don’t forget that history remits itself and the only impedient for evil to success is for good men to nothing doing. But if you disagree with me then just bag off. Okay?

Political Jokes pinoyblogosphere pbs pinoy blogosphere philippineblogosphere pbs philippine blogosphere

The Doctor's Vote

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body', while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.

doctor jokes

Dagohoy

It was the first day of school in Dallas, Tx and a new student named Dagohoy, the son of a Filipino immigrant, entered the fourth grade. The teacher began, "Let's review some American history, class. Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy's who had his hand up,"Patrick Henry, 1775.""Very good," said the teacher.

"Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Dagohoy: "Abraham Lincoln,Gettysburg, 1863," he said.

The teacher snaps at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Dagohoy who is new to our country knows more about our history than you do."

She hears a loud whisper from the back: "Screw the Filipinos." "Who said that?" she demanded.Dagohoy put his hand up. "General John Pershing, Manila, 1896."

At that point, Jack, another student says, "I'm going to puke." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"

Again Dagohoy answers, "George Bush, Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister during the state dinner, Tokyo, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!!

"Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher at the top of his voice, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, the Oval Office, 1997!!"

Someone shouts, "You little shit if you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Dagohoy yells, "Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, Washington, D.C., 2001!"

The teacher faints. "I'm outta here!" mutters one student as he sidles to the door."President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Baguio City, December 30, 2002!!" Dagohoy responds.As the class gathers around her on the floor, someone says, "Oh shit, now we're really in big trouble!"

"Saddam Hussein, on the Iraq invasion, Baghdad, May 2003!" Dagohoy bellowed.

"Now, I really have to run," Jack mutters, heading for the exit, "Gloria Macapagal Arroyo again, Pampanga, October 4, 2003!!!".

Dagohoy shouts triumphantly jumping with glee.

Then a burly African-American boy grabbed Dagohoy and strangled him, about to give a fistful to a frightened Dagohoy.

Then an Asian boy stood up and shouted, "Hey easy on him. I'M A FILIPINO!"

Dagohoy then blurted out before he got socked out, "Fernando Poe, Jr. Manila, January 2004!!!"

________________________

This joke is going the rounds of email Courtesy of Grace Cabactulan of Netherlands

Filipino Jokes

Philippine Politicians Junket Jokes

A friend has been a travel agent for over 30 Years. She says, of her 30 years of taking reservation requests from government officials, we are all in trouble now. Here's a few questions at the reservation desk that were asked by the following politicians:

Senator Tessie Oreta asked for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from ex-Mayor Joey Marquez, who wanted to go to Capetown. Explaining the length of the flight and passport information, he interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ." Without trying to make him look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." His response: (click).

Congressman Mark Lapid called, furious about a Florida package we did for him and tv star Kris Aquino. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked in the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (so he expected to see the ocean on both sides of the hotel?!)

Senator Ralph Recto's popular wife asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She replied, "But they look so close on the map."

Senator Lito Lapid asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I noticed he had only an hour lay-over in Dallas. When asked why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

Senator Jinggoy Estrada called last week. He needed to know how it was possible that his flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but he could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told him the plane went very fast, and he bought that.

Congressman Ronaldo Zamora asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude!" I looked into it and explained the city code for Fresno, California is (FAT) and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

Former presidentiable now tv star Eddie Gil inquired about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, he asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with Senator Bong Revilla who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

VP Noli De Castro asked, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , FL. Do I have to get on one of those twin engine planes?" I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, FL, on a commuter plane. He said, "Yeah, whatever!"

Congressman Dilangalen called and had a question about the documents needed to fly to China. I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they accepted my American Express!"

Senator Miriam Defensor called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

Another joke going around the net from Pepot Viado

Jokes going the rounds on the net

ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES:

1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad.
2. Rats are normal house pets.
3. Soap opera is reality and news provides the dramas of life.
4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide the entertainment!

ENRIQUE ZOBEL: half Filipino half Spanish.
HENRY SY: half Filipino half Chinese.
JUAN FLAVIER: half Filipino half Igorot.
RAUL ROCO: half Hawaiian half Polo.
JOHN OSMENA: half Filipino half Filipina.
MIKE ARROYO: half Filipino half Pork.
AI AI DELAS ALAS: half Filipino half Moon.
GMA: half!!..

A song for our Honorable (DAW!) Congressmen and
Senator, Mayors and Governors:

"BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,
BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,
KURAKOT, KURAKOT,
BOOM BOOM BOOM!"


MGA JOB TITLES NA DAPAT NANG PALITAN:

PRESIDENT- pasimuno.
VICE PRESIDENT- kunsitidor.
SECRETARY- palsipikador.
TREASURER- kubrador.
AUDITOR- kasabwat.
PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER- tsismoso.
REPRESENTATIVES- pahamak.
SPOKESMAN- bolero.
SGT-AT-ARMS- tirador.
ADVISER- taga sulsol.
(mas tama di bah?)


Pilita Corrales - Asia's Queen of Songs
LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale.
REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird.
GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia "

email from Mila Aguilar in filam-forum yahoo groups

URGENT APPEAL to all Voters!

The following appeal was forwarded by a top Philippine broadcaster:

If you're planning to vote for a PartyList group in May, please
consider your vote carefully, as only the right votes will be counted.
We need partylist groups who will truly fight for our needs as a
people instead of their own vested interests or that of the
formerly-wealthy elite. A partylist group that is not red, or yellow,
or black and white. People who will truly have the well-being of the
Economist and the Rule of Lawyers at heart!

It is in this light that we humbly submit to you a list of the
PartyList organizations that we hope you will remember come May 14. We
present to you... our M-R-P, our Most Recommended PartyList groups:

AAAAAAA - Alyansa ng mga taga-Alabang, Angeles, Apalit, Antipolo at
Aklan na kamag-anak ng mga Arroyo (7A!)
Nominees:
1) Aaron Arroyo
2) Abel Arroyo
3) Ace Arroyo

AAAAAA - Asosasyon ng mga taga-Alaga ng Aquarium, Aso at Alimango ng
mga Arroyo (6A!)
Nominees:
1) Adrian Arroyo
2) Agnes Arroyo
3) Alice Arroyo

AAAAAABA - Aktibong Atletang Atenista, Assumptionista At iba pang
Alalay ng Barangay Arroyo (ABANTE ARROYO!)
Nominees:
1) Amy Arroyo
2) Anthony Arroyo
3) Arthur Arroyo

This appeal is brought to you by your tax pesoses, Comelec Chairman
Ben Abalosses and most importantly, the Presidential Office of
External Affairs... Guiding Worthy PartyList groups to Eternity and
Beyond Since 2004!

Don't forget our slogan! "Team Unity, Totally Arroyo!" (T.U.T.A. all
the way!)

p.s. Kung sakaling nalito po kayo sa mga ads ng aming mga kandidato,
gusto lang po namin linawin na HINDI PO tumatakbo si Boy Abunda. Baka
po sa 2010...

Above political joke is an email going around sent by Mila Aguilar.

POLITICS in the Afterlife

In time for the big fiesta that comes every 3 years comes this election joke from one of the members of Association of Bansalenos better known as ABW sent to this blogger by Leila Noel-Rispens in the Netherlands.

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.” Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time fly, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

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Check out Bansalenos new fund raising project and mission, see how the internet brings people together despite the physical distance.

JACK OF ALL TRADE

MY RESUME

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work! I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working as a Pattern Maker, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

I LOVE MY NEW JOB!!!

E-mailed by Grace Cabactulan in Netherlands ending up with me so it get posted on Humor .