WHAT IS A PHILIPPINE ELECTION?

It all begins when the country's brightest, most
highly qualified inhabitants, the young dynamic
professionals, citizens who have the potential to make
good leaders, get together and examine the country's
problems, the state of politics and the long-term
national prospects

What happens next?
They decide to emigrate

And after that?
Another group of bright people get together

What do they do?
They also emigrate

And then?
And so on and so forth

What does any of this have to do with a Philippine
election?
When talented, smart qualified potential leaders leave
the country all the time, who are you left with?
Retired basketball players? Toilet comedians? Bad
actors and actresses? Spoiled vicious rich kids?
Aging and debauched hermaphrodites? You're now ready
to hold a Philippine election

How important are elected officials to the
Philippines?
Nobody's been able to figure out an answer to that one

What's at stake in a Philippine election?
Prizes and surprises! Millions in cash! Dream houses!
The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire
family! That's from the politician's point of view

How many positions are waiting to be filled in the
coming elections?
About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined
number of graves

So it's like a lotto?
Sort of, except that when you lose, you could lose
your life

Who are qualified to run?
Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any
citizenship who's alive, of a certain age, good
character and able to summon a mob huge enough to
intimidate the Supreme Court

What kind of candidates have the most chances of
winning?
ARTISTS who have the CONFIDENCE of the people

You mean a con artist?, don't you?
You said it, we didn't

Who are qualified to vote?
Those willing to be bussed around and go a hard day's
work visiting a lot of precincts during election day.

Talk about parties in the Philippines
Everybody loves going to parties in the Philippines

No, POLITICAL parties.
Oh! Well, in the past there used to be only two
parties, the Liberalistas and the Nacionalistas. Now
there are several dozen, but they still all fall under
two main parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunistas

What's the difference between the two parties?
Sosyalites love parties. Opportunistas will join any.

Explain what this year's presidential elections is all
about.
Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief,
the incompetent, and the idiot?

No, is that a joke?
That's the presidential election

You're a cynical bastard, aren't you?

How clean are Philippine elections?
Lets put it this way: if Philippine elections were
your house, you wouldn't want to live in it

What are guns, goons and gold??
Three traditional important elements of a successful
election. There's a new one: Film credits

How come this pamphlet doesn't include a question that
goes why can't all candidates just jump in the lake??
That question looks like it was just gratuitously put
into this article for very naughty purposes. We
decline to answer it

How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious?
Power failures in very specific rooms where the
counting is taking place. Numbers that start losing
zeroes as the days go by.

Can't the candidates, out of the goodness of their
hearts, put a stop to crooked elections?
You really ARE from another planet, aren't you?

************

Posted by a young, respected UP Metallurgical
Engineer.

Da Apo